The 50 Questions Responses

It's not 100% funny, but I think I managed more than 75% comedy here. Lemme know what you think.

-s

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1. First name?

Klunterfjeld of Gaul. It rarely fits on the SAT forms.

2. Where were you born?

Reykjavik, Ohio

3. Height?

6'3"

4. Would you punch a baby in the face – hard, but non-fatally – if it ensured ten straight years of peace on earth?

I would punch that baby twice.

5. Eye color?

Grey-blue, like the Sargasso Sea on a cold day, but with a corona of yellow, reminiscent of the halo over the head of God.

6. Single or married?

Ecclesiastically speaking, neither.

7. What is your job?

I wear many hats, ranging from the fur-lined cold-hazard mask of a licensed baby-seal clubber to the woven-straw variety typified by a no-ambition country bumpkin. Most of my time, however, is spent under a tri-cornered pirate hat, which I wear while on infiltration missions, as I am a ninja.

8. What's the most dangerous thing you've ever done on the toilet?

Murdered myself. Unless you mean dangerous for the most number of people, and then... no, it's the same.

9. College?

No thanks, I already have three, I don't know what I'd do with another.

10. High school?

I'd rather high five.

11. Coke or Pepsi?

Coke tastes like ginger to me, and I don't like ginger. To be fair, Pepsi tastes like syrup to me, and syrup isn't much better. I'll go with secret option C: Mountain Dew, which tastes like neither rocky outcroppings nor morning condensation, but somehow, it works.

12. If your worst enemy was on fire across the street, and you had a bucket of water, would you be like, "Is my worst enemy testing me with this scenario? He really should have thought this through, because my hobbies happen to include collecting buckets of water, and this one's a keeper."

Yes. How did you know? Although you'd have to replace "bucket of water" with "jar of formaldehyde", and "my worst enemy" with "this rampaging elephant", and "testing me" with "about to have the time of his life." Other than that, though, dead on. Spooky.

13. Vanilla or chocolate?

Whatever you have more of, I'm not picky. Unless this is asking how I prefer my men, and then I'm going to have to go with "mis-categorized, specifically regarding gender". I like women!

14. McDonald's or Burger King?

If we're talking Big Mac vs. Whopper, then I have to go Big Mac. If it's McFish vs. the now-retired BK Whaler, then I'm going to have to side with innocent political incorrectness and choose the Whaler. If we're talking about who I'd rather pay money to, then I have to root for the underdog: Burger King. And if we're talking chicken nuggets, then I choose McDonalds for the crispy golden fried shell as well as for the madly delicious sweet-and sour sauce. All this is assuming there's no Wendy's around.

15. Starbucks or Coffee Bean?

Ahh, the existential debate between the brand and the product. Without a coffee bean, could there be a starbucks at all? Without starbucks, would the bean enjoy its grand stature at the top of the morning elixir pyramid? Can we even pit one against the other, for there must undoubtedly be worse and better beans than those proffered at starbucks? It's a classic chicken and egg debate, for one without the other is, as Chaucer put it, hold on, lemme google it... Oh. There's actually a place called "The Coffee Bean." Huh. Nevermind, I guess. I don't really drink coffee anyway.

16. If a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, does that make tandem bicycles the homosexuals of pedal-powered transportation? It would explain the baskets and streamers, plus all of the gentrified city neighborhoods lined with tandem-bike bars and leather shops.

...Yes, technically.

17. First crush?

No thanks, I've already had mine.

18. First kiss?

Too late again! Wow, are you ever late to THIS party!

19. First BF or GF?

Ok Joe, you can be my first boyfriend. No hanky panky, though, I won't put out until we're married.

20. What's the biggest thing you've ever put in your mouth?

The state of Ohio.

21. Lefty or righty?

I'm fascinated that you put lefty first. Perhaps signalling some deeply-seated, perhaps frequently restrained tendency towards left-handedness. Maybe even a tendency towards sexual promiscuity, for as we all know, righty equals tighty, but lefty is loosey. On an unrelated note, righty.

22. Best physical feature?

The pyramids at Giza. Spectacular.

23. Best sport?

Musk Ox. Perhaps the most dangerous game of all.

24. Brain or jock?

Hard to pick, because they have to work to share the same blood supply, but I like to root for the brain because it has to fight gravity for its oxygen. Then again, they both tend to fight gravity.

25. Is George W. Bush a great man? Or a great president? Choose only one or two.

No. And no. And I'm going to go with #1: "What is your first name?" I like it better than #2: "Where were you born."

26. Favorite author?

I've never had a favorite author, but I have had several strong author-figures in my life. Jesus, for one. Mickey Mantle another. I'm not entirely sure either wrote any books, but it sure seems like they did, right?

27. Do you think we'd all like our feet so much if we called them by the function they perform – shoe rapists?

Aren't the feet just barely sentient, unwitting participants? Is it not NOT the feet, but our very selves who indulge in such monstrosities?

28. Favorite section of the bookstore?

The bathroom. I owe the bookstore bathroom much.

29. Favorite movie quote?

"Oh, it's you."

30. The 2011 Academy Award for Best Picture will go to a movie called what?

Man among Men: The Often-Told Story of Klunterfjeld

31. Coffee or tea?

Tea.

32: TV or online videos?

TV shows dedicated to showing online videos. I hate clicking.

33. Best use of absence? To make the heart grow fonder? Or to create attention-starved children who eventually seek personal validation via the entertainment industry and crack us up weekly on whip-smart sitcoms?

The latter, but only if they're the hot girls from friends.

34. Jamaica or Hawaii?

Is it just me, or do those words both have just an impossibly high ratio of vowels to work length? Is that how we determine the value of our island getaways? Would a place called Aaaeololeiiiaiae be the most popular tourist destination on Earth? Have I ever even been to either of these places? NO TO ALL QUESTIONS!

35. What are the odds that Google will be assassinated by an out-of-work reference librarian? I say 2-to-1.

I'll take those odds, assuming we're talking about the out-of-work reference librarian I think we're talking about, because she is currently being held hostage in my basement. The real puzzle? I DON'T HAVE A BASEMENT.

36. Bananas or non-bananas?

Actually, I'm going to have to go with Anti-bananas. Although, I once ate a banana and an anti-banana at the same time, in a poorly planned suicide attempt. Turns out I really do have intestines of steel, and it just made me have to go to the bathroom a few minutes later.

37. Hotel, motel or Holiday Inn? Say what?

Hotel. And I can't think of a good reason not to, so sure. "What?"

38. Best college mascot?

Grainy and Corny, the Ohio Agricultural College's twin mascots between the years 1804 and 1807. They were later accidentally threshed.

39. Favorite part of the world that ends in –potamia?

Hippopotamia.

40. Do you think anyone has ever said, "Carl, we will always have Canada." Then Carl says, "Damn you, Ellen, it wasn't Canada, it was us. We were alive, just for a moment of time, in Winnipeg."

I think it's probably inevitable by now. I can send this to someone named Carl. That could improve the odds.

41: Best qualification for a dog walker?

Not a cat, or quantitatively cat-like.

42: Fastest athlete on earth?

Flipper. Birds and sailfish don't count, right? 'Cause of the whole ganglia thing? Athlete is a strictly mammalian designation?

43: What is the best use of physics? To create modern conveniences? Or to explain the laws of the universe? There is no wrong answer, but there are three right answers, and one of them, when spoken aloud, opens a portal to a nether-dimension, but it's not much of a nether-dimension, it's kind of the Wheaton, Maryland of nether-dimensions. There's probably a Sbarro there, and not much else.

It's actually a Shakey's Pizza. Turns out they have pretty lax franchising requirements.

44: Favorite SNL sketch?

Cork-soakers.

45: Am I the only person in America who would watch a TV show called "My Husband, Wife and Kids"? Who else needs to see this happen? I see a John Laroquette-type as the Husband.

Wait, who is the "I" in that title? I'm afraid I'm going to need to see a pilot or script of some sort before I agree to anything.

46: Porno or overactive imagination? (Note: Your overactive imagination can include a wa-wa guitar.)

I have combined the two. It is... bliss...

47: Simpsons from the 1990s or South Park right now?

Simpsons. South Park can go to hell. For no good reason, I just felt like taking a stand on this one.

48: Laughter or the best medicine as prescribed by your medically-trained doctor?

As a doctor, I cannot in good conscience prescribe laughter for anything that isn't complete bullshit to begin with. Except, well, as it turns out, laughter clears up most cases of typhoid fever. I can't explain that one. Exception that proves the rule, I guess.

49: Do you like your politicians scandalous or foible-filled?

I was about to say "foible-filled" because we could say they're "foiblicious" but then I realized that "scandalicious" is actually way better, so now I'm undecided. Can we just get a few that are honest instead? Honestastic maybe?

50: What would make you happier? Knowing there is a heaven? Or knowing there is a fun slide that leads from your front door to an ice cream parlor. Now keep in mind, with the fun slide, you have to provide your own sliding sack. So there are some things to consider here.

I'm often told that in heaven, sliding sacks are provided free of charge, and that every road is in fact a fun slide to an ice cream parlor. So as long as I get to go there but Jimmy Lawrence from 4th grade, who was a complete douchebag, and yes, I'm still mad about that, Jimmy, does not, then I'll go with heaven.

Pants!

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