On Wii. (haha!)

[It would be easy to call this post "NSFW". Even though there's nothing offensive in it at all. -s]

If John Keats were alive and penning his works today, I like to think that "On Melancholy" would have been titled "On Wii". Not because it's a title for the ages, but because I like to think he would have really been into games.

The Wii is a scary name for a console. Not just because you'll get beat up after school if you're overheard inviting people over to your house to "play with your Wii". High fives abound if you say it to the hot teacher, but then Zero Tolerance gets you expelled. And we can all agree that high fives from your mother when you're being home schooled just isn't the same.

But that's just one case. Lives can be ruined. Wii is a bad name for anything.

I don't have any problem with Nintendo selling Wii's. It was only a matter of time before their marketing team decided it was necessary to appeal to a more adult demographic. Maybe it was the right move, maybe it wasn't. But I know a lot of older men and women who stood in line for hours to get their hands on a fresh new Wii. To get their hands on their very own Wii? To finally learn why everyone wanted a Wii so badly? Whatever their motivation, it was winter, and most people went home with a frozen Wii.

But why does everyone want a Wii so badly? (Evolution?) And why does it only come in white? I'm sure there's a market for a black Wii, a pink or a yellow Wii. I'm fairly certain that there are people out there who would purchase a green Wii. Maybe a Wii with the triforce tattooed on it?

And why are they all so small? Aren't there people out there who want a Wii with a little more heft to it? Something more satisfying to look at, something that will impress house guests.

"There's my Wii," you tell your friends. "Whoa," they stammer, "that's a big Wii". Their wives tell you it's the biggest Wii they've ever seen. That they hope you hold these little get-together's more often.

As it is, it's like you need more than one for anyone to notice. Virile young men are desperately seeking Wii's for their girlfriends. "She wants to play Wario's Woods," they tell me. "What do I do?" I feel bad for them, sometimes tell them to just go into it with an open mind. "Maybe you'll enjoy yourself" I say. I know I am lying, but I can't crush what faint hopes they still cling to.

Maybe she doesn't need the Wii after all, maybe it's just a phase she's going through. And if it's not, you can always record her playing Super Monkey Ball and sell the videos online. You can use the money to entice the kind of woman for which security or commitment is more important than a shiny electronic Wii.

What really worries me is that Wii's cost more on eBay than in stores: the so-called "grey market," (the one color that you'd think no one would want their Wii to be). Nevertheless, these auctions shoot through the roof, sometimes costing upwards of 50% more than the suggested retail price. Maybe it's a grass-is-greener thing. Everyone wants the Wii that someone else has already got.

Now that I think about it, isn't it illegal in America to sell your Wii? Maybe that's what's so popular about it - a Wii that could be "hot" is worth more. Maybe that's why Amsterdam isn't as interested in the Wii, despite the critical shortages in Europe.

But despite it's evocative name, I'm not convinced the world would be a better place without the Wii.

Someone flipped and inverted a photo of their Wii remote control(!!) in photoshop, so that it says "M!!" I think the concept is clever, but I'm not sure I could stand to give up my Wii, especially not for the enthusiastic half of a candy-coated chocolate. I'm quite fond of my Wii.

It's become a part of me.

In fact, I haven't bought anything non-wii related in weeks now. Due to the shortage of remotes and nunchuks (ninjas, as usual, are making a killing), finding 3 more remotes consumes my every thought. All purchasing decisions are met with a stern and final qualifier: Could I use this to control the Wii?

Xbox? No. Gasoline? No. Candles? Yes. Shoes? No. Menorah? Yes. Steering-wheel-shaped-piece of plastic? Yes. Wavebird? Yes. Wendy's? No.

The refrigerator is quickly emptying. My friends told me that without food I couldn't lift the Wii Remote. I replied matter-of-factly that I clearly still retain all faculties, but when I am low on battery, the Wii will inform me, and I will recharge.

My girlfriend argued the longest, so I bought her a Wii of her own. She stays mostly in her room now, which is for the best, as I don't believe I need her anymore.

If I can save a princess with my Wii, then together Wii can do anything.

It's still a silly name, though.
-s