[It would be easy to call this post "NSFW". Even though there's nothing offensive in it at all. -s]
If John Keats were alive and penning his works today, I like to think that "On Melancholy" would have been titled "On Wii". Not because it's a title for the ages, but because I like to think he would have really been into games.
The Wii is a scary name for a console. Not just because you'll get beat up after school if you're overheard inviting people over to your house to "play with your Wii". High fives abound if you say it to the hot teacher, but then Zero Tolerance gets you expelled. And we can all agree that high fives from your mother when you're being home schooled just isn't the same.
But that's just one case. Lives can be ruined. Wii is a bad name for anything.
I don't have any problem with Nintendo selling Wii's. It was only a matter of time before their marketing team decided it was necessary to appeal to a more adult demographic. Maybe it was the right move, maybe it wasn't. But I know a lot of older men and women who stood in line for hours to get their hands on a fresh new Wii. To get their hands on their very own Wii? To finally learn why everyone wanted a Wii so badly? Whatever their motivation, it was winter, and most people went home with a frozen Wii.
But why does everyone want a Wii so badly? (Evolution?) And why does it only come in white? I'm sure there's a market for a black Wii, a pink or a yellow Wii. I'm fairly certain that there are people out there who would purchase a green Wii. Maybe a Wii with the triforce tattooed on it?
And why are they all so small? Aren't there people out there who want a Wii with a little more heft to it? Something more satisfying to look at, something that will impress house guests.
"There's my Wii," you tell your friends. "Whoa," they stammer, "that's a big Wii". Their wives tell you it's the biggest Wii they've ever seen. That they hope you hold these little get-together's more often.
As it is, it's like you need more than one for anyone to notice. Virile young men are desperately seeking Wii's for their girlfriends. "She wants to play Wario's Woods," they tell me. "What do I do?" I feel bad for them, sometimes tell them to just go into it with an open mind. "Maybe you'll enjoy yourself" I say. I know I am lying, but I can't crush what faint hopes they still cling to.
Maybe she doesn't need the Wii after all, maybe it's just a phase she's going through. And if it's not, you can always record her playing Super Monkey Ball and sell the videos online. You can use the money to entice the kind of woman for which security or commitment is more important than a shiny electronic Wii.
What really worries me is that Wii's cost more on eBay than in stores: the so-called "grey market," (the one color that you'd think no one would want their Wii to be). Nevertheless, these auctions shoot through the roof, sometimes costing upwards of 50% more than the suggested retail price. Maybe it's a grass-is-greener thing. Everyone wants the Wii that someone else has already got.
Now that I think about it, isn't it illegal in America to sell your Wii? Maybe that's what's so popular about it - a Wii that could be "hot" is worth more. Maybe that's why Amsterdam isn't as interested in the Wii, despite the critical shortages in Europe.
But despite it's evocative name, I'm not convinced the world would be a better place without the Wii.
Someone flipped and inverted a photo of their Wii remote control(!!) in photoshop, so that it says "M!!" I think the concept is clever, but I'm not sure I could stand to give up my Wii, especially not for the enthusiastic half of a candy-coated chocolate. I'm quite fond of my Wii.
It's become a part of me.
In fact, I haven't bought anything non-wii related in weeks now. Due to the shortage of remotes and nunchuks (ninjas, as usual, are making a killing), finding 3 more remotes consumes my every thought. All purchasing decisions are met with a stern and final qualifier: Could I use this to control the Wii?
Xbox? No. Gasoline? No. Candles? Yes. Shoes? No. Menorah? Yes. Steering-wheel-shaped-piece of plastic? Yes. Wavebird? Yes. Wendy's? No.
The refrigerator is quickly emptying. My friends told me that without food I couldn't lift the Wii Remote. I replied matter-of-factly that I clearly still retain all faculties, but when I am low on battery, the Wii will inform me, and I will recharge.
My girlfriend argued the longest, so I bought her a Wii of her own. She stays mostly in her room now, which is for the best, as I don't believe I need her anymore.
If I can save a princess with my Wii, then together Wii can do anything.
It's still a silly name, though.
-s
Friday, January 26, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
My Oblivion Mod
...doesn't exist yet.
But it's in the works, and really, that's what matters.
Why am I making a mod? Because I'd like to be a game designer someday, preferrably before I turn 27, so it's high time I got off my tookus (sp?) and do something. I've had long enough to recover from NaNoWriMo and it's time to start a new project.
So what's the mod, then? You might ask. Well, I might tell you, it's kind of complicated, so allow me to start from the beginning.
I played Oblivion for about 85 hours - I finished the game, completed every side quest (except collecting shadowbanish wine - I've never collected bugs in Zelda either), bought every house, finished the game the right way and the stab Dagon until he melts ending, I even looked up how to min/max stats and magic items so that if I played through again, I wouldn't have to keep turning the difficulty down every few hours.
When it was done, I was very, very sad. It was the same separation syndrome that anyone gets when they finish a really good game, but this one hit a little harder. I was still wandering around in the world. I still had stats to max out, but I had no reason to do so.
I had literally solved every problem in the world.
IN THE WORLD.
I was head of the Fighter's guild, and told them to do a balance between recruiting and making money. That seemed like a good way to keep the giant rat population down indefinitely.
I was head of the Assassin's guild, so I could just neglect my duties and the death rate of the realm would plummet.
I was head of the Mages' guild, and had Mannimarco's soul trapped in a soul stone. And since I don't age, he was pretty much going to be trapped forever.
So I watched the clouds go by for awhile, then installed a mod that added new cloud textures and watched those for a bit.
I installed a couple other mods, but both of them did strange things to my character. (Like deleting all of my possessions one by one.)
I bought all of the currently available Bethesda mods, and realized that although they were lovely, they were extraordinarily light on the content front. Sure I had gotten the Razor (and mad cow disease), and seen some very cool level design, graphics, and AI interactions. But it didn't actually make the game much better. It had hardly any of the character-character interaction that had made me play every single damn quest. I simply didn't want or need another sword.
So I took one of the common gripes about the game: there is no romance, and intend to change that.
Now, I'm a big softy. So my first idea was this whole big thing about actually getting some girl to fall in love with your character (I'll bother with the reversals later.) It was this whole big thing that, while cool, is probably too much work for me to do right now.
Instead, I'm going to do something far less extravagant, and far less complicated. I'm going to have some Nord chick that likes strong guys, and if you can prove how very very strong you are, she'll marry you.
No, I don't know exactly what marriage will mean in the game yet. For now you'll just be engaged, and she'll travel around with you or sit at home. I think it's important that she level along with you, so that you don't consider her a burden after a few quests.
And for right now, I'll just be working on the wooing angle. Everyone loves to woo, am I right?
So that's the plan. More later, but there'll be at least a bit related to the arena, the fighter's guild, a side quest or two, and a part of it will probably involve killing that semi-invisible thing in the North whose quest seems to have been canceled.
-s
But it's in the works, and really, that's what matters.
Why am I making a mod? Because I'd like to be a game designer someday, preferrably before I turn 27, so it's high time I got off my tookus (sp?) and do something. I've had long enough to recover from NaNoWriMo and it's time to start a new project.
So what's the mod, then? You might ask. Well, I might tell you, it's kind of complicated, so allow me to start from the beginning.
I played Oblivion for about 85 hours - I finished the game, completed every side quest (except collecting shadowbanish wine - I've never collected bugs in Zelda either), bought every house, finished the game the right way and the stab Dagon until he melts ending, I even looked up how to min/max stats and magic items so that if I played through again, I wouldn't have to keep turning the difficulty down every few hours.
When it was done, I was very, very sad. It was the same separation syndrome that anyone gets when they finish a really good game, but this one hit a little harder. I was still wandering around in the world. I still had stats to max out, but I had no reason to do so.
I had literally solved every problem in the world.
IN THE WORLD.
I was head of the Fighter's guild, and told them to do a balance between recruiting and making money. That seemed like a good way to keep the giant rat population down indefinitely.
I was head of the Assassin's guild, so I could just neglect my duties and the death rate of the realm would plummet.
I was head of the Mages' guild, and had Mannimarco's soul trapped in a soul stone. And since I don't age, he was pretty much going to be trapped forever.
So I watched the clouds go by for awhile, then installed a mod that added new cloud textures and watched those for a bit.
I installed a couple other mods, but both of them did strange things to my character. (Like deleting all of my possessions one by one.)
I bought all of the currently available Bethesda mods, and realized that although they were lovely, they were extraordinarily light on the content front. Sure I had gotten the Razor (and mad cow disease), and seen some very cool level design, graphics, and AI interactions. But it didn't actually make the game much better. It had hardly any of the character-character interaction that had made me play every single damn quest. I simply didn't want or need another sword.
So I took one of the common gripes about the game: there is no romance, and intend to change that.
Now, I'm a big softy. So my first idea was this whole big thing about actually getting some girl to fall in love with your character (I'll bother with the reversals later.) It was this whole big thing that, while cool, is probably too much work for me to do right now.
Instead, I'm going to do something far less extravagant, and far less complicated. I'm going to have some Nord chick that likes strong guys, and if you can prove how very very strong you are, she'll marry you.
No, I don't know exactly what marriage will mean in the game yet. For now you'll just be engaged, and she'll travel around with you or sit at home. I think it's important that she level along with you, so that you don't consider her a burden after a few quests.
And for right now, I'll just be working on the wooing angle. Everyone loves to woo, am I right?
So that's the plan. More later, but there'll be at least a bit related to the arena, the fighter's guild, a side quest or two, and a part of it will probably involve killing that semi-invisible thing in the North whose quest seems to have been canceled.
-s
I'm pretty sure this is what happened in Russia, too.
In case you were hazy about how shampoo helped promote capitalism and democracy.
It's only a matter of time, people.
-s
It's only a matter of time, people.
-s
Friday, January 5, 2007
And Thou Shalt Be Repaid 3-Ply
I have discovered something simply marvelous: 3-Ply Kleenex.
I'm sure that you're thinking "You're kidding, right? I use 2-ply, what difference can an extra ply make?
My friends, this third ply makes every difference. It is the stuff of dreams. It's a little like blowing your nose in a bedsheet. One of those really nice 17 hundred thousand thread count bedsheets.
Now, I am not an uncongested individual. In fact, I would refer to my olfactory expression as unbounded, given a suitably temperate environment. I have destroyed paper towels with a single vicious blow to their supple centers.
But this third ply, it rebukes even my most vehement expressions. It is the stuff from which legends are born.
A guy I work with borrowed one to take home to his fiancee, I presume to end his farce of a relationship, as she had never indulged him with such a wealth of ply.
But even more important than the what is the How. How, you must be asking yourself, how did I get this box of miracle material?
Did I go to some high-end supermarket, or order direct from the manufacturer? ("And add an extra ply to it," I might have said. "We already supply a second ply, sir," the attendant would respond, startled. "No no, my good man," I would reply, smiling knowingly, "I mean, of course, an extra extra ply," evoking naught but shocked silence followed by the telltale scribbling of genius on paper.)
No.
I gave my box of tissues to some dude I hardly know. Because he was sick. My crappy 2-ply stuff. He used all of them. This man was airplane sick.
This morning, I was startled to find myself repaid with more than double the cumulative layers I had originally given.
But it was more than just the count, let me assure you. It was this breathtaking triumvirate of assembled plies.
Another co-worker displayed, I believe, the most appropriate sentiment when, after requesting a tissue for himself, began ever so lightly... to cry.
I'm sure that you're thinking "You're kidding, right? I use 2-ply, what difference can an extra ply make?
My friends, this third ply makes every difference. It is the stuff of dreams. It's a little like blowing your nose in a bedsheet. One of those really nice 17 hundred thousand thread count bedsheets.
Now, I am not an uncongested individual. In fact, I would refer to my olfactory expression as unbounded, given a suitably temperate environment. I have destroyed paper towels with a single vicious blow to their supple centers.
But this third ply, it rebukes even my most vehement expressions. It is the stuff from which legends are born.
A guy I work with borrowed one to take home to his fiancee, I presume to end his farce of a relationship, as she had never indulged him with such a wealth of ply.
But even more important than the what is the How. How, you must be asking yourself, how did I get this box of miracle material?
Did I go to some high-end supermarket, or order direct from the manufacturer? ("And add an extra ply to it," I might have said. "We already supply a second ply, sir," the attendant would respond, startled. "No no, my good man," I would reply, smiling knowingly, "I mean, of course, an extra extra ply," evoking naught but shocked silence followed by the telltale scribbling of genius on paper.)
No.
I gave my box of tissues to some dude I hardly know. Because he was sick. My crappy 2-ply stuff. He used all of them. This man was airplane sick.
This morning, I was startled to find myself repaid with more than double the cumulative layers I had originally given.
But it was more than just the count, let me assure you. It was this breathtaking triumvirate of assembled plies.
Another co-worker displayed, I believe, the most appropriate sentiment when, after requesting a tissue for himself, began ever so lightly... to cry.
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Happy New Year!
I'm not actually one to get all riled up for the new year, it's just a day, right? And as much as everyone loves saying hi to the new one, it's tough to let go of your good buddy 2k6, tragically cut down in his prime.
But since I have a blog now, I have a responsibility, no, a duty, to post my new years resolutions. Let's start with an overview of last year's resolutions:
2006 Resolutions:
1. Think up some resolutions for 2007.
It's not exactly Samuel L. Jackson's "Continue being badass," from back in the 90's, but you have to admit, the list has charm. And it's concise. Everybody loves concise.
But really, that list pretty much sums up 2006 for me: make a new plan. Yeah I started a blog, but it got lost in the rush. Sure, NaNoWriMo was fun, but really, at the end of the year, all I had was a hangover and a Nintendo Wii.
Although now that I think about it, that's a pretty solid list.
But most important, I'm sitting here looking at 2007, and thinking I've got a pretty good idea of what I want out of the new year. So with a clean conscience, I'm checking off #1 from last year's list.
So, without further ado, here's my list of ...
Resolutions for 2007:
1. Post to the blog religiously. If you're not at least doubling Hands In the Air's output, not even "quantity over quality" will be able to save it.
2. Don't buy a PS3. You're not retarded.
3. Start your damn webcomic. Find an artist, draw freakin' stick figures if you have to. Just... do it.
4. Edit your damn novel, and then put it online.
5. Make a damn video game.
6. Use "incongruency" in a sentence other than this one.
6. Continue being badass.
7. Think up some resolutions for 2008.
It's a long list, I know, but I'm a pretty tall guy.
Happy New Year, umm, again...
-silver
But since I have a blog now, I have a responsibility, no, a duty, to post my new years resolutions. Let's start with an overview of last year's resolutions:
2006 Resolutions:
1. Think up some resolutions for 2007.
It's not exactly Samuel L. Jackson's "Continue being badass," from back in the 90's, but you have to admit, the list has charm. And it's concise. Everybody loves concise.
But really, that list pretty much sums up 2006 for me: make a new plan. Yeah I started a blog, but it got lost in the rush. Sure, NaNoWriMo was fun, but really, at the end of the year, all I had was a hangover and a Nintendo Wii.
Although now that I think about it, that's a pretty solid list.
But most important, I'm sitting here looking at 2007, and thinking I've got a pretty good idea of what I want out of the new year. So with a clean conscience, I'm checking off #1 from last year's list.
So, without further ado, here's my list of ...
Resolutions for 2007:
1. Post to the blog religiously. If you're not at least doubling Hands In the Air's output, not even "quantity over quality" will be able to save it.
2. Don't buy a PS3. You're not retarded.
3. Start your damn webcomic. Find an artist, draw freakin' stick figures if you have to. Just... do it.
4. Edit your damn novel, and then put it online.
5. Make a damn video game.
6. Use "incongruency" in a sentence other than this one.
6. Continue being badass.
7. Think up some resolutions for 2008.
It's a long list, I know, but I'm a pretty tall guy.
Happy New Year, umm, again...
-silver
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